As the Stanley Cup Finals begin and the wild ride that is the 2019 NHL Playoffs prepares for a landing, hockey fans are now faced with two possible champions: the surprising yet persevering St. Louis Blues… and the Boston Bruins.

Just shoot me.

I could see this coming when the First Round ended. After getting past the Toronto Maple Leafs in a tight seven game series, the Bruins were the only favourite to survive that cutthroat round. Tampa Bay was gone. Winnipeg was gone. Nashville, Washington, Vegas: all gone. The Bruins faced a field of dark horses and underdogs. And boy, when the Bruins went to work, they sure looked like favourites. They made the Blue Jackets and the Hurricanes look like the wildcard teams that they were. Now the Bruins are in prime playoff form and there’s only one team left in their way. As much as I want to be optimistic, I fear what is inevitably coming. And I’m not sure the Raptors will survive the NBA Finals long enough to keep me from having to pay attention.

After gooning it up to win the Cup against the Vancouver Canucks in 2011, the Bruins have become one of the most hated teams in the NHL. Featuring the talents of actual ogre Zdeno Chara, walking hissy-fit Tukka Rask, dishes-it-out-but-can’t-take-even-the-tiniest-dose-of-it weenie boy Brad Marchand, and the admittedly saint-like Patrice Bergeron, the Bruins have terrorized the league for years, doling out cheap shots, dirty hits, and licks to the face (seriously, Brad, what’s wrong with you?). In response, the referees look the other way, the Department of Player Safety collectively shrug their shoulders, Jack Edwards’ voice jumps three octaves, and Don Cherry bellows “YAH SEE, DAT’S BRUINS HOCKEY!” as he gives his trademark thumbs-up to the camera. It’s a joke and makes the NHL look bush league, but hey, who am I to ask the refs to do their jobs for once?

So here are the blessed Bruins, their third finals appearance in less than ten years and with a chance to win their second cup within the same time frame. And this is just so great for the city of Boston, which has been suffering from a championship draught for all of five months. Honestly, who in that Wahlberg-infested city had a soul worthy enough to sell for this many championships? Was Mr. Rogers secretly a Boston sports fan? Thank goodness the Celtics are hot garbage, because if they were contending for a championship this year I frankly would just give up sports forever. Boston teams have won twelve championships in less than twenty years. No city deserves this much success, least of all this chumbucket town of Affleck-worshipping chowdaheads.

St. Louis, I need you to dig deep. I know you’re already down a game, but that’s okay. You’re a tough, gritty team that’s almost as dirty as the Bruins. And you’ve got a goalie who is playing out of his mind. You can do this. You have to do this. For the good of hockey fans, nay, sports fans everywhere, you cannot let Boston have three championship parades in less than year. I don’t care if you have to whip out a pistol and Last Boy Scout this thing. You are the only ones left who can stop them. Whatever it takes.

Because, so help me, if I have to see Marchand raise the cup again, I swear I’ll make this blog actually about hats instead.